Chain-Smoking, Atheists and Machiavelli, Oh My!

Fervent prayer and two teaspoons of Benadryl (not sure of the spelling but is a cough medicine that should put one to sleep), I am totally restless and unable to fall asleep. Even though it's exactly two am in the morning I awoke earlier talking in my sleep. I have to say that yesterday was one of my best days (Thank you all for your prayers and I pray that God will richly bless you as He has in done so in my life), and it's too bad that I can't sleep now. I was tossing and turning and I wasn't as strong as I thought. My mind was troubled, anxious and worried.

I woke up and did my assigned readings for my political theory class and found them to be quite interesting albeit Machiavelli's Prince being diabolically opposed to "Thou shalt not kill". Regardless and my mom and I prayed in the morning the tutorial went better than expected and with the Holy Spirit in and upon me, I flourished and shone bright and participated with excellence. God's favor shone through as my contribution to the class discussion had my TA (Teacher's Assistant)come up to me after class to tell me that quote "you had good questions...you belong to Grad school" (referring to Graduate studies beyond that of the undergraduate studies that I am currently enrolled in) and that if I ever needed help that he would help me with the application! Wow! Praise God! That was a God moment right there because I had been praying for guidance as to what I should do after undergrad, although pursuing graduate studies in Political Science had not crossed my mind (maybe Sociology instead).

But this is the huge issue I have. There is a cute guy who I can really connect with in my class who had been pursuing me and I have resisted as much as I could. I thought I was just an option to him and thought nothing too serious of his flirting, but yesterday it became apparent to me that he was falling for me. He cleared the waters about not in the least being interested in anyone else and he stayed with me to meet my friend for the whole hour when he had an essay that was due he had to work on. I mean I didn't know he would stay and all his friends give all too clear sign that he will seriously ask me out. Then I thought woah... sure I like the guy but he smokes like every few minutes in my face and in front of my other friend and sometimes even in non-smoking places. I know, I should've told him but I didn't want to be rude. This is the same guy that strongly does not believe in God but honestly that and smoking is really turning me off.

After discussing things with my family we thought it best to confront the issue head on, especially before he himself brings up the issue. I am quite bad when it comes to relationships so I needed a lot of analysis and instruction. We prayed about it but since I have to do this in person, I have to wait until the middle of next week until I see him. Sometimes I want to get things over with because I don't want to be consumed by this like I am now. I don't know why I can't just let it go and sleep. It constantly bombards my mind. I don't enjoy confronting at all and it's keeping me up all morning. I need your prayers and I need God to help me even in this area and I need to sleep!

Warnings in a Dream

I awoke today recalling a most disturbing dream. I was present with peers and other well known public figures while we experiences a series of disastrous events including but not limited to; tsnuamis, brim and hailstones and fire from above. Everything started out as normal and within moments everything changed. Darkness loomed and people were going crazy. Some were dying. The comforting part is that even though I saw bombs going off to my left and right and fire from above and the sea rising as it covered the sun before it crashed down on the people, it did not touch or effect me. There is much more but I will not go into too much detail as this should suffice for now.

So today I experiences two emotional traumas already. I am beyond depressed. It is only through God right now whom I literally cried out to while on the floor for hours mourning. It is only after I spoke or rather sang in Tongues that I felt supernatural strength to even go on amidst temptations and lies of the enemy who tried to convince me to do unspeakable things at my weakest moment. I don't recall at time ever in my life feeling this way, this low, this helpless, depressed and overwhelmed; but God is good.

While on the floor as the sun shone through on my hardwood, He directed me to the scriptures on the wall that I wrote a long while back. It was the one that said:

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze~ Isaiah 43:2

This verse basically described what happened in my dream. It was a warning for what I was to experience. My head is pounding right now with a migraine because of the shock and realization of it all. I am still healing from an ankle injury. I won't reveal details at this time but once I pass through these times in the valley I will tell you guys more, but until then I want to say He does give You supernatural strength and comfort and even joy in the midst of it all. He is the true comforter and the lover of my soul whom I will praise in the valley.

I was tempted to run to other things (alcohol, food, and other useless things), but thank God that I ran to Him and He is now holding me. You have the choice to run to Him to.

I Have Wasted My Thinking

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come to Thee in Jesus Name. The past couple of days have been painful and uncomfortable all physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Thank You for this intervention. I needed it. You really do hear me when I ask that You save me from myself. As I told You these past few days I have had hidden idols in my heart without even really knowing that I did. I thought it was normal. I thought obsession was love. But that's not love at all. After watching the 2002 version of the movie Obsessed I was convinced of the argument that my sister made towards me. I was totally just obsessed about anything I put my mind to it basically. I knew no limits in my mind. Obsession I learned is a symptom of love addiction. I also researched some more and found that I was a co-dependent person, and that I was also addicted to food and romance. Sure one thinks that most girls have this and that it's normal, but to me it's not normal, but a destructive curse that I bring upon myself. It really kills the soul, and everything I am. No wonder I went through the experiences that I did. Even now looking at how I react or rather respond obsessively and seemingly innocently but quite rapidly to even pop sensations like Justin Beiber or it could be a particular TV series, facebook, anything really. I just place it so easily in the spot where only God belongs. This has been a problem since my early childhood and only God can really help me but I am seeking Christian counseling.
In Jesus Name I pray,
amen

Dream

Dear Heavenly Father, I come to You in Jesus precious name. Without ceasing I had told myself to write the dream I had down even in my dream and even in my sleep until finally I awoke at what seems to be a decent enough time since light and sun are to be seen outside my window. I will dive right in. There are already bits and parts I have already forgotten. Surely I saw that there was a group of people chosen for a prestigious position. There was only one row of computers with red computer chairs facing a lecturer. When night a guy who looked to be a white male and I were running in the dark. It seemed like I was back home in Galle at my grandmother's place when this happened. But every time I would see a snake which looked to be gray in colour and slithering on the ground I would freak out and turn back. Soon I saw that others despite there being snakes and despite them being afraid were pressing on forward. I was told to not be afraid since this was holding me back (spiritually and even in my career for instance since everything at the end of the day is spiritual). The very next hour or so after I was quite tired from the run we did we were back in the classroom except now there was a long sort of hardwood bowling alley going upwards into the height of the room. Then before I knew it I was running with the rest of the crowd to secure a spot for me in one of those computers chairs as I ran up and then came back I was surprised that I was the first one back and as I was sliding down on my back past the finish line I saw the same white male stand out from the background as he came in second behind the mob of people. But I was also pointing upwards to You God saying thank You Jesus! I was happy. That's all I remember.

Surely I know that You will give the interpretation of that dream for I request it if indeed this was a dream from You because I was woken up in the middle of the night. Not sure if this was related to demonic activity as a result of occult activity. But I was seriously considering this thought as my mom shrieked only minutes after from what appeared to be a nightmare. She seemed to be terrified but I have yet to ask her since she is a floor down from me. I immediately prayed and then things appeared to go back to normal. I definitely felt a powerful darkness heavy near me but then at the name of Jesus it had to flee. Thank You Lord! Further, last night my sister after the whole day of having a shower, really getting ready (make up and all), and walking on crutches downtown at the Eaton Center and even near Lake Ontario for crying out loud she didn't really appreciate it in the measure that was justified. This was because she basically said or warned me rather not to get emotionally attached to her crush. I was a little offended yes, but I am glad someone is keeping me in check with my extremity of emotion that's my blind spot and true weakness. She even asked em not to seem so competitive with my potential dates because I will end up being like mom who is always done better than my father but she is suffering a poor standard of living and quality of life because of him most of the time. I just feel not good enough, or smart enough God when I am talking with these seemingly successful people. And I know that there are seeking someone successful who can actually carry out a conversation within their social circles and not just someone that doesn't fit in. Help me Lord and clarify this. I want to certainly be more informed, more politically involved as well as more academically involved but my sister has a point in saying that he is the guy so he must be more experienced with travel, politics, and even literature than I am ( which I am not used to) and something I don't feel comfortable with. I actually found myself painting a picture of myself that was sort of exaggerating the reality in order to impress the other male party. Help me Lord.In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Love,
Your Sarah.