Dear Heavenly Father,
I come to Thee in Jesus Name. The past couple of days have been painful and uncomfortable all physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Thank You for this intervention. I needed it. You really do hear me when I ask that You save me from myself. As I told You these past few days I have had hidden idols in my heart without even really knowing that I did. I thought it was normal. I thought obsession was love. But that's not love at all. After watching the 2002 version of the movie Obsessed I was convinced of the argument that my sister made towards me. I was totally just obsessed about anything I put my mind to it basically. I knew no limits in my mind. Obsession I learned is a symptom of love addiction. I also researched some more and found that I was a co-dependent person, and that I was also addicted to food and romance. Sure one thinks that most girls have this and that it's normal, but to me it's not normal, but a destructive curse that I bring upon myself. It really kills the soul, and everything I am. No wonder I went through the experiences that I did. Even now looking at how I react or rather respond obsessively and seemingly innocently but quite rapidly to even pop sensations like Justin Beiber or it could be a particular TV series, facebook, anything really. I just place it so easily in the spot where only God belongs. This has been a problem since my early childhood and only God can really help me but I am seeking Christian counseling.
In Jesus Name I pray,
amen
P.S. I was asking God how come I can't convert this destructive force into something constructive ( i.e. my thinking habits which translate to real life action).. like school for instance or to do great exploits for the Lord.... for me it's one or the other.. either I am worried or extremely anxious for the reality that I am in now which then catapults me to a combination of food and love addiction which usually encompasses unrealistic fantasies and escapism of sorts. I wonder how my life would have been different if I had used the mental capacities that God has given me for the good and not self-sabotage that is now taking me deeper into depression and failure and laziness...which leads to one being extremely dissapointed with their lives and seeking another's identity for security and happiness... I learned this or this is a culmination of my research... and it certainly is a generational curse that needs to be uprooted in Jesus name!
ReplyDelete*ugh! I hate my life! I am so mad right now! Even while my mom was going thorugh the surgery my dad was verbally sabatoging her and giving her such againy. She is yelling and throwing things and I hear plates crashing and threats being spit out... I don't care what people say... no one deserves this... I don't wish this on anyone.. sure I lashed out in anger with my mentally ill father who just sucked the life out of my mom her whole life... I hate him and I told him that... no one can study in my condition... I don't know what to do any more.. I\ve had enough... I'm just going to watch the game... I hate growing up in this unpredictable,, tension filled home... no one is there to take car eof my mother... my sis is at work and we are both sick and he is a TOXIC cancer that spread to all of us.... I hate my life... sure... I knew I should have read the Bible today... or spend time with God.. but to be honest I haven't much had the desire to.. and if I do go to Him it is because I am desperate and hopeless... I want to go tot Him because I want to and not just my problems... my mom yells out with the stiches on her stomach, " I am on the edge.. I can starve to death.. " and I can relate to her... I am on the edge as well... I hate men!
ReplyDeleteokay.. so I don't hate men.. I love them... but I just don't understand how someone could be so selfish.. sure my heart has hardeneed.. I don't even care about things being spiritual or not.. I just want Him.. when I need Him the most.. I want Him to speak to me and pursue me... ugh.. my blood is boiling.. I want to wallow.. or eat more... but I would be happy just watching the soccer... why is it continual misery? I don't want perfection... why did my life have to be so messed up? Surely if I do get transformed... it is defientely God.. no soubt about that... God's hand working in my transformation... because I know my sin is UGLY and life in general without Him is ugly..
ReplyDeleteJust to let whoever reads this know... that I am seeking God now.. honestly if I didn't I would consider giving up entirely... I am seeking HIm.. even by writing this.. I have to let Him know that souls are in the very back of my mind at the moment... and I don't even know if He will be pleased with me after my life is over here on Earth.. I mean to live an eernal life with the choices I made on this brief time with all the oppopsition that exists is a lot of pressure. but I know it's my choice to ask Him for help fr not but I do ask Him for help! That's my life's cry: Help! Help God! Help! I don't know what else to say... regardless of unbelief in my heart.. I do believe.. just doesnt do teh churchy religious thing You know... ugh not feeling good at the moment at all.. I don't like my parents for giving me the life they gave me so far... a bit of hell on earth... eternity is too much pressure... judgment in the sense of what I did after salvation honestly God is a lot of pressure.. I don't know if I will make the cut or be rich in eternity.. I think I've done bad on earth and eternity where I stand now if I were to be taken up now... I need immediate help Lord...
ReplyDeleteno wonder my mom had to drink strong alcohol to stay sane and not divorce the man... I\m cravign some too and before one judges.. do walk a mile in our shoes! no one cares anyway... no one prays.. they are too busy with themselves... I'm not angry at God.. just at myself and my life... if I was angry at God which I am not foolish enough to do.. I would've lost all hope... because He is that only reason why I am alive... but I would hate to think that this life is just about hanging on... I mean... how can one have a good life if all it is a continuous battle to hang on.. because forget relationship and marriage.. because a person like me at my state shouldn't be married... so I'm all lone... God is still not visible to my eyes even though He is there I know... it just would be nice to see Him extended in flesh in my desperate times of need.. not just when I am high spiritually ...
ReplyDeleteupdate: that's weird..my mom and my dad have seemed to have made up but I'm in such a mess... their drama really bugged me.. someone gets burned.. if I didnt yell and sacrifice mysef.. they would've still been fighting.. their drama is contagious..
ReplyDeleteMany junk food and broken promises and empty tv I'm listening to Starfield - Something to say ... mom and dad still yelling.. it's probbly my fault for telling her about all my addictions yesterday.. no mom wants to feel like they haven't done the best job...
ReplyDeleteGod is faithful. Psalm 37.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMZeWo1Kv8E
ReplyDeleteThe restoration process begins... God fill my emotional emptiness... show me that though I am weak that You are strong and I in You are strong
Free from food addiction a must see that touched me to my core: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5xIppbOnso&feature=channel
ReplyDeleteBrian Welch: From Korn to Jesus ( save me from myself):
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs7i_ckEHVA
... God is real. Forgive me for my sins God... I fear You and I worship You. Thank You for loving me. I love You.
Father I come to You in Jesus Name. I had a difficult conversation with my mom bout being obsessive, escapist, love and food addict, being co-dependent and hating reality and being overly anxious and extremely depressed.... we both agreed on getting Christian counselling... God is my Healer. God... thank You.
ReplyDeleteWow Thank You Lord. I had just prayed or more accurately talked with God since a long time coming and I just feel His love, forgiveness and power. There are a lot more CBN testimonies that spoke hope to my soul. Check them out on YouTube.
ReplyDelete