Speaking Tongues

Dear Heavenly Father, I come to Thee in Jesus Name. Yesterday I was just wasting away before You rescued me. Specifically I was engaging in self-destructive habits both in thought and action. Finally by Your grace I lay on the floor and worshiped Thee. I honestly spoke to You and after I had confessed my transgressions against You I felt Your peace and forgiveness. I asked You truly about the whole deal with speaking in Tongues. I mean even though I spoke it on Pentecost Sunday a year or two ago and even though everyone around me in my church speaks it, I had my doubts about it and it was completely hindering my faith. Then all of a sudden I was reminded about all my experiences where the Holy Spirit whether in tongues or not had helped me. In my darkest hour I can say it was Him who gave me power, and Tongues certainly edified me and others all around me. I was kind of spooked out by what I had already accepted in faith earlier. God immediately lead me to this website. Diclaimer: Please ask God for any and all theological questions you have and He is faithful to answer if you are truly open to Him. For me, He answered in a way that speaks to me so it may be different for you. But the website is: http://www.tbm.org/tongues.htm

Also after I spoke, rather sang in Tongues yesterday ( which I need to look into singing in Tongues in scripture since I am sick and tired and annoyed really about the demonic attacks I've encountered by opening myself up to what I thought was the Holy Spirit but that's another post). I felt so strengthened and alive and I had hope in my heart! I spoke with my mom, my sister, and I even got the desire to do some school work. Praise God! Today I was reminded when I woke up how the day before when I ordered a beer at the restaurant, the waitress was so mad at me. She even asked for ID. That meant that she thought I was below 19! Yeah! Even thought I'm a couple of years older than that. Also last night my food started to hurt again. Today my sister has a date on which I am accompanying her and getting ready will be so hard and laborious! Lord help me! Also I am concerned about walking about on my foot, especially on Monday for work. I really need to be able to walk a few days before Monday because I don't think I will be comfortable walking Monday and putting such pressure and strain on my foot right away. *sigh. God I don't know what to do except lean on You and give my anxieties to You to work through according to Your will. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Sister- Sister

I come to Abba Almighty in Jesus Name.

I have to thank Thee for the immensely close bonding time I had with my sister. I don't think we've had a greater more honest conversation full of confessions, emotion of controlled anger and disappointment but also great laughter. To keep this post simple I basically revealed to her how a younger male whom she apparently liked very much and who liked my sister a lot was flirting with me a lot. I had kept it hidden from her but I openly confessed that to You and my mother. I was reeled in by his charm but of course he was trying to get closer to my sister through me but I will still never know what his heart was. While we were waiting for hours on end together in the Emergency room, we were so bored that we had only each other to talk to. I knew deep down inside that You wanted us to talk about something and sure enough it surprisingly all came out and at the right time I guess. I am worried about how she will handle this with him but I know that I was responsible and I owe it to her to be honest. It was a delusional time in my life and I thank God for delivering me out from that situation. Now she understands why I don't like him, although I do not know exactly whom she is blaming more ( me or him). In any case we still had peace although she mentioned that she doesn't trust me anymore which is fair enough. I told her many times how I don't trust her in certain areas as well. I pray Your will be done in Jesus Name.

So later we went out to eat at a restaurant. I in my crutches went reluctantly to eat with my sister. We talked about a lot of things! I even had a glass of bear. This has been one eventful day. Just when we think we have nothing to talk about. Moments after comes the "river" ( whom my sister is seeing face to face for the first time since I had a major crush on him last fall) with another girl. My sister was freaking out! She was basically asking the question why her? But later concluded that this may be his preference or liking. We had a great time chatting about how to make myself known to him ( i.e. going to the washroom or my sister yelling my name out loud deliberately within a conversation, etc). She was excited but inside I felt a quiet peace. It was like I knew this all along and this was confirmation. I knew the girl from a while back and from his pictures. He didn't see me yet. Later when they left earlier than they had arrived, he saw me as he was leaving since they only sat a few rows from us. It could not have been an accident at all. No way. This was only orchestrated by God. It was a pleasant surprise to see him regardless and it's great that we had been texting each other only two days ago so it's not that awkward. In any case the girl walked out while he had the most priceless stunned look on his face. He was quick to observe. I held my cup of Heineken beer in my hand and sipped it while he noticed the bottled and made no comment. He is naturally observant and then he noticed my crutches, my ribs on the plate and then my sister. He hastily rushed off saying that he has to get back to school to finish an essay.

Thank You Lord that my sister and I had a great time and even over the phone mom, my sis and I had a great conversation about the whole ordeal. Even when we came home we had a hunch that my dad and mom ( according to my sister who is quick to smell and pick up these things) were up to some funny monkey business if you know what I mean. But You know what praise You God!!! I mean here was my family on the break of separation and hostility while You brought my mom and dad together through my mom's surgery and him actually spending the night with her in the same room out of necessity ( which has proved to be quite a romantic sequence of events) and surprisingly me and sis are getting along like never before. Sure there are ups and downs but even through this time of struggle, confusion and doubt God is so good to us. I don't understand it but I love Him for it! His goodness is far better than anything else. I worship You Lord. Thanks again for answering our tiny but significant prayers even regarding my sister's interest "kuitar". May that go well. In Jesus Name I pray, amen.

Your Face Lord I will Seek!

I come to the Alpha and the Omega in Jesus Name.

Looking back last night I could not believe who I was and what I had done. Don't worry, it's nothing too serious but to me it was such a traumatizing experience. To set things up a bit here it was Sunday and I only fed myself spiritually early in the morning by reading the Bible. I didn't pray nor really enter into the presence of God. One could say an inner turmoil was brewing. Certainly this inner turmoil bubbled over in my actions. I have come to believe now that the atheist's comments were spiritual attacks since I have been struggling with doubt whether consciously or unconsciously. A red flag probably would have been me spending hours on a site that provided dating advice on Youtube and I commented on videos praising the host whom I did not even know! This has also happened once early last year as well where I was almost worshiping others ( celebrities at the time) since I wasn't truly worshiping God in my heart. Funny enough I was really sick at that time like I am now. God must be trying to tell me something. This is such a humbling experience.

My heart was so deceptive and I in self-deception kept on going with this mindset when things turned ugly. I was so desperate for love and longing that I turned to God only to lash out at Him in anger for not providing me favor with eligible men or dates. I took matters into my own hands and went on Christian dating sites. Some were quite harmless at first but then I left feeling quite bruised in my soul. I had regrettably once gone on a social networking site and had weirdos and creepers all around. It's never a good idea. But this was a while back. But now as total strangers were talking to me I was naive enough to believe hey they may be saying that I'm beautiful just for me and they may really look like they do on the picture. I mean I was so blinded by my own thinking it was scary.

Before this whole incident which I won't give energy towards the details about were in the end a shocking and eye opening experience to reality. Most of the guys on there even though it was a Christian site were complete jerks and others overly flattering. I learned a lot about myself however some good and some bad. It turned out in particular conversation that will probably stay with me for life. I mean words are powerful even through interface. A male basically noticed how I was constantly flattering him. Even I was surprised. He couldn't get a word in and I didn't even know this guy but I was constantly sending praises to him like a god. It was disgusting and I had asked the Lord to forgive me as I do now in Jesus Name. In the end he basically told me what I needed to hear:".. I think you're flattering me". They smelled my desperation and it was the most unattractive thing I could do. Then I tried to be quick witted and try to save myself and say: ".. oh well it's a gift of exhortation only natural lol"... and then he saw right through me and said something to the likes of: "... If I need you to cut the grass or take out the garbage I will let you know. I know girls like you!" I was so shocked but now I am thinking this could be a blessing in disguise to hear the truth about how foolishly I was behaving.

I came to my sister's bedroom after this. I was distraught as I knew I had done the wrong thing and had grieved the Holy Spirit. I had wasted so much time when what I had planned to do ( among my school works and spending more time in His Word) was heed to the still small voice that reminded me of something. I was balling my eyes out and became suddenly and deeply sad, wallowing in self pity. God still spoke to me but I chose to ignore Him. He reminded me of what I told Him really, that every one of my regrets had been at a time where I wasn't close to Him and that every time I was close to Him, that I do not recall any regrets whatsoever since all else was undeserved and He has dealt with me bountifully and has been my Redeemer. My sister was also telling me how I love to go to the extreme with everything, taking things to a whole another level for ill or for worse. She told me it was a choice when I said I can't help it. Then she basically said that I should then turn this towards God and God alone. This extremity of praise, adoration, and worship. This is when I realized I had placed something else in God's place. And this is when I also realized that I want to worship God in this way: with all my heart, mind and soul. And I wouldn't get verbally abused but I would be safe in His arms and in His presence expressing my love to Him. That longing, that strong desperation, only He can fill and make me whole.I immediately took off my profile pictures from these websites and logged off for good.

This morning I was reading Psalms 23 which is a psalm of trust. He reminded me what this blog and the purpose of my life is through these scriptures and many others:

When You said, " See My face," my heart said to You,
" Your face, Lord, I will seek."

Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall
strengthen your heart; Wait, I say on the Lord!

I learned in the commentary in my study Bible NKJV that waiting on the Lord means: "... demonstrate confident expectation. The Hebrew word to wait can also be translated HOPE! To hope in God is to wait for His timing and His action". Wow if that wasn't divine guidance from the Lord into my situation I don't know what is! He even addressed y initial fear by the words in the psalm that state: " The Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear?" Then I went on as usual to read the Proverbs, book 14 to be exact and God in the mercy that is made new each and every morning spoke to me. I will cite a couple here:

The wise woman builds her house,but the foolish pulls it down with *her* hands
( Wow this tells me that I am number one was being foolish yesterday and that I brought down my own house or body with my OWN hands!)

Go from the presence of a foolish man, when you do not perceive in him lips
of knowledge.

There is a way that seems right a man, But its end is the way of death
( commentary states that Only when it's too late does the deluded person discover that he is one the crowded highway to death. The implication is not that he was tricked, but he relied too heavily on his own "wisdom" rather than turning to humility to God)

The backslider in his heart will be filled with his own ways, but a good man
will be satisfied from above

The simple believe every word, but the prudent considers well his steps... The simple inherit folly, but the prudent are crowned with knowledge
( Commentary: A characteristic of a naive person is gullibility. A prudent person is careful)

In the fear of the Lord there is "strong confidence" ( <--- wow that is definitely answering one of my burning questions regarding my low self esteem issue and what the solution is).

He is my confidence. And I love Him with all I am. I love You Lord! Hear me from Heaven and bless all those who read this. Reveal yourself to them as You have done to me. In Jesus Name I pray, amen.

Early in the Morning

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come to Thee in Jesus Name. I certainly ask for Your forgiveness for in reading Your perfect Word I am convicted! Help me to change God. I have to confess. When earlier I used to think of You in the morning I awake and worry and fret and become anxious about vain things. One example is the atheist who had texted me last night and those who didn't text me such as meop and the river who texted but was not intersted. After looking at statements like "... you attract your self worth..." or "... you attract a particular dysfunction ..." on certain websites and blogs I find the truth so painful to hear. It's true however as I examine my life. I am not attracted to great godly men such as meop who probably never had a girlfriend but I attract and am strangely attracted to bad boys who are controlling and addicted to God knows what. Help me God! This seems to be something that is subconsciously ingrained in me. I do not have an inkling of like towards any godly man at the moment nor can I ever recall a lasting one. I know godly men are the best and a great blessing but why is it so hard? There seems to be a disconnect.

And I remember the bondage of being unequally yoked. In Your grace You delivered me from an abusive marriage. Which is now closed legally and I'm praying for it to be spiritually closed which it slowly but surely happening with time and prayer. Even with meop my heart has hardened towards him. I acknowledge that I have a huge problem with lust. It started with a lust for food which You have graciously delivered me from, to a lust in sexual immorality and a product of that is just being so anxious and obsessed around boys. Help me to truly repent and turn away. I do the very thing I hate. This is certainly connected to my past in which I have begun to drink when being rejected and then settling for way less. Since my ankle is is resting I can't even go to church today but even in all my distress I seek You Lord. Have mercy on me. I need You more than I ever needed You before. I admit I have not been diligent in seeking You as before and as a result I feel like I have grieved the Holy Spirit. I haven't even begun on studying for my challenging political philosophy midterm. Dear God, save me from myself! I need godly men around me for as I read in Your word I must choose my friends carefully and have wise and prudent friend as apposed to foolish ones who lack wisdom and understanding. It seems like I am attracting the wrong people. Dear God I need Thee. Every hour I need Thee! In Jesus Name I pray, amen.

Love,
Sarah

Fractured Ankle

I cover each word with the blood of Jesus Christ and I come to God in Jesus Name.

Today was a great day all because of God's goodness towards me. I can't thank Him enough. I woke up with pain in my ankle. It was still swollen. I was crawling on the floor and someitmes I still had to but my dad got me a set of crutches. I went to the hospital with my sister in whom I saw a rare side to her, one that encompassed caring and demonstrating affection and servanthood. But yes everyone was so nice to me and liked me for no apparent reason. They were quite rude to others. There were men and women alike who went out of their way to help us. After my x-ray the doctor said that nothing was broken (thank God) but that I had a fracture. I actually got a week off to rest. Further I had a consistent and light hearted text conversation with a male I will call the river. I have spoke of him before but today's conversation was different. Although the male I like in my church named meop had not answered his texts at all. I was saddened. To contextualize he like me and asked me out on a date but I for a reason I cannot justify at the moment I said no. So rightly he is guarding his heart and seems to have moved on. My sister prayed for me and I for her yesterday regarding boy matters.

Further I am currently watching the G20 protests. I had to make a lot of cancellations with future plans. I feel as if I have to just stay home and do my readings and the fun of being carried and cared for and getting attention is wearing thin and reality of the injury called an acute inversion is setting in. Sometimes I find that when I am home I develop a great deal of depression symptoms and or I get so lazy and waste the time the Lord gives me. I also learned from my sister that I apparently don't have "game"... I see what she means because I loose my cool when I even see a stranger whom I like. One example out of many even during this day was when I saw a male nurse or doctor watching the game as I was rolled on the weirdest wheelchair I have ever seen. This was paid for by a stranger by the way and it looked like a shopping cart made into a wheel-chair. Some would wonder why one has to pay for it but seriously it was metal and was rusting too! In any case the strong, tall, fit, and smart official took his eyes off the screen and looked at me and smiled and I was so embarrassed that I looked about and even acted in a childlike manner as I looked up at the screen as my sister rolled the cart by. I lost my cool. Even with texting the river the momentum ended with a dreaded singe text "lol" by him sent to me with no follow up text. I really need help in the guys department. Sometimes I feel like my sister may be giving me false hope by saying that the reason meop is avoiding or keeping his distance because he still has feelings for me and doesn't want to like me again since I completely broke his heart. There seems to be no hope in this situation to me. I am totally leaning on God. I have to. All I know is He has someone special just for me and vice versa. Also why do people keep asking me if I'm in a relationship? I haven't been since that dark time in my life. Egypt which God delivered me from. That's a whole another post, rather a book in itself. God be with me. You are my Great Comforter.

In Jesus Name I pray and ask.
Your daughter,
Sarah

God Works In Mysterious Ways

Dear Heavenly Father, I come to Thee in Jesus Name. Where do I begin. I thank You and I praise You. Even the few people who are following my blog is such a blessing! I honestly never even dreamed of anyone following anything I write but I know everything that is prompted and inspired by Your Spirit is powerful! Today You have surprised me. There was a BBQ held at my church today and I came ready to play sports mainly basketball. As always I was the only girl and I was ready to show off the boys but as soon as I got the ball I felt searing pain in my right ankle as I twisted it and fell to the ground. I lay there not knowing what happened but in paralyzing pain. Everyone stopped playing and asked if I was okay. The pastor and the leaders helped me up and gave me a shoulder each to lean on as I hopped to the tables and chairs that were set up. Placing freezies as a substitute for ice packs. In any case now I realize that my weak faith yesterday was slowly becoming stronger and stronger as the night went on. And leaning on my brothers and sisters in Christ was an incredibly accurate allegory of what I was experiencing in my faith.. but more precisely how I was leaning on You for strength. When I look back this was such a blessing in disguise. I was forced to sit down and stay in one place listening to people as all who passed cared and inquired about me even people that did not know me. Then I was surrounded by some of my lovely sisters in Christ as they cared for me and were my support. They are both in a relationship or married and they even inquired about how things are with me and honestly even woman that was married or in a relationship came by and asked me if I was in a relationship. I told them about the atheist dude who pursued me. Then we all supported one another and bonded as we listened to a friend open up about a very dark time in her life and it literally made my friend and I sick. But we were there to support one another and we knew God was working. They spoke such life into me. Saying things like any guy would be so blessed to get you because you're so sweet and how it's important to be friends first before entering into a relationship and how to even consider what the right time is even with the right person. There is so much I could say but I mean everyone was helping me and caring for me and loving me. Even my sister got me food and followed me home when God gave me the grace to drive home. One pastor even drove my car to the church doors and another leader actually carried me to my car and another little brother also a leader in the church group helped me into my car and closed the door as he said take care. I mean I felt Your love touch me!

I even had many divine appointments such as another dude who also desires to be a lawyer talk to me at length about politics, law and spiritual warfare which was a popular topic for the night as well as defending the faith; apologetics. There was also a man whom had a liking to me and who asked me out and whom at that time I declined for many reasons although it still haunts me to this day since he has a huge wall up understandably after all these years but we both seems to have a soft spot for each other. In any case we both got to talk a little bit but not as much as I would have liked to. Oh well I'm giving it to God. Also in the morning today after reading the Psalms and Proverbs I just wanted to go outside for a walk. I went all the way down to the lake. Maybe that's why my foot was increasingly vulnerable because of the two hour walk that I had in the morning down to the lake and back. I prayed to You all the way there. I increasingly felt attacked in my mind and the atheist dude kept coming in my head. I prayed for him to be saved. Then You reminded me about how anxious I was about the whole thing and how worry offends You and how I was worshiping this situation as an idol in my heart. I was convicted but I didn't know how to break free. Today with Your love You broke me free. Your love is a stronger love extended through Your body, my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. As I listened to Your Word on my i-phone on my way back I was immensely comforted. Your Word was a warm blanket and was sweet and satisfying. It is perfect. It was Psalms 23. Sure my ankle is still sprained but God You have a reason for everything and You have turned this situation around to bring good out from it. Like my older brother in Christ carrying me through the doors to my destination it is You that carry me through this journey of life. Thank you for all those who have prayed for me. Thank You God for restoring faith, new life and hope into me. In Jesus Name I pray, amen.

Confession before the King

Dear Heavenly Father, I come to You in Jesus Name.... irrespective of any who sees this ( thank you for the first follower of my blog... I had no idea anyone would even condier following this blog... praise God.. it really blessed me... had a rough day... anywho.. let em continue... I must come to You and be honest... this is honestly how I love to communicate with You and really write out what I feel... I haven;t written to You via this blog because I have actually been writing to You in my journal and You have answered in ways that I find difficult to capture with mere words. I will get straight to it... today morning I saw parts of the Florida Lakeland Revival on Youtube and I was thrilled! Then I found out that the whole thing was a scam and actually quite demonic! I was so dissapointed inside of me. What I thought was uplifting and from You was not. It's funny I was writing to You the other day and askign You to bring up any unconfessed sin that has offended You and sure enough You did... sometimes I am guilty of the whole charismatic and emotional thing and what I think is godly is actualy demonic. Forgive me Lord. Now I know that even what I think is good and even anyone who pops up confessing that they know You and even if they are doing healings I really have to test them and come out of that simple or naive mentally and be prudent. I had a tutorial so I quickly got ready and headed off the class. I knew I was going to see a certain boy there, older than me by a year who was in my class. Just yesterday I felt that he was havign difficulty hiding how he felt about me. This was confirmed later. I even spoke to You about this and I even said I hope he doesn't ask me out... I went to class and he was there just starring at me and then we sat together again.... I continued with the topic that we had begun yesterday and he suggested that we meet after class for half an hour to discuss it... I was reluctatnt and I said I have to get ready for work and have a shower and he said that I already look nice... first hint.. then I felt him starring at me and what I wrote... every time I write glory to God on the my notes he reads it... and then even as the TA came he was still trying to talk to me... it was established that we were going to meet... I was freaking out inside! This guys was an avid smoker... sure he wanted to be lawyer and he wasn't dumb or bad looking, he was not tall but the exact same height as me... but he wasn't afraid to talk... but yes class resumed but before then I was just getting to tell him about what I beelive the highest good is since we were studyign Plato and the allegory of the caves the form of forms... the highest form... and I asked him.. do you really want to know,... and with all seriosness he looked into my eyes and said yes... like he really wanted to know what my identity is... but yes after tutorial finished he and I were talking and walking and on the way we met a couple of my firends.. especially a close friend who is also not a believer... we hugged and then I guess he coveted that and you will see later why... I was actally surprised at how calm I was... not sure.. I mean I did pray secretly since I had no space time or anything to pray out loud or even write lest he see that I am praying about us... anywho we go outside and we start talking and even while talking he lookes at me and takes a piece of something out of my hair... already I was touched... I knew this was a date in disguise... and not just some converstaion... and when I was about to tell him what love is to me... I said he would think I'm crazy or laugh at me... but he got all serious again and assured me that he wont... which I liked when someone took me seriosuly.. as soon as I mentioned JESUS he put his head back and almost laughed and sighed with dissapointment... I too was dissapointed to fidn out that he did not beleive in God at all! ... But yes throughout hte time he touched me on my back and arm ... even I had the urge to touch his arm... but I didn't... we were talking and even arguing at times... and he would reveal a lot about himself such as being extra senstitive... his dad and not havign the greatest dad... that he was Scottisha and drinking and being mean to his mom but now taking care of her... but I also gave him something about me.. which I was surprised about such as my earlier drinking habits or rahter dangerous levels of drinking... but I did say how God brought me through that to the pint where I have no desire to even drink anymore because He satisfied me.. we both agreed on all is vanity but diagreed on the solutions or apporaches to life... and even in the middle of the conversation he went to a guy that was there and asked for a cigarrette... and he said.. stay... don't go.. and even hearing those words.. made me feel wanted and I ate it up so to speak.. but yes I felt convicted later for not guarding my heart you will see why because I delved in almost accidentaly for the purpose of makign a point into sex and love... it turned me off that he considered making love as just bs and just thinks it's sex without intimacy... like what animals do... anywho... even when he smoked he was so honest with me and said I didn't have money so this is the first cigarrette of the day... and he stood in front of me instead of beside me and came close to me as we openly said that we disagree with each other... and when I looked to him I strangely felt attracted to him... he even touche dmy back like I said after... and I felt something... liek a chill go down my spine almost.. then there was another brown girl that passed us by and he looked her way... and I was reminded of how I was looked at by him while he was speaking to another girl... but yes we continued.. and oh before I forget somehow we talkekd abotu em accidentally lying and he totally took that seriously ... he said do NOT lie to me.. ok? I said ok... otherwise I will be pissed... hmmm... and then... he dropped another hint I guess... he was talking about hte brain... and he said that he has a connector on the side of his brain just for the times he talked to me... meet me.. how he thinks about me... and then later he even said when we were talking about love that he said he just cares for people or doesn't ... he said I might like somebody but not care for them.. like he was saying I would like a girl .. and then changed his words and said I may not even like the girl but even though I text or call them doesn't mean I care abotu them... so almost to defend himself or even usuingthis as another way of saying how he may feel about me... but yes.. I was kind of just feeling like my energy was being sucked out.. I felt rotten... I felt guity.. and I felt weak.. liek the words he said abotu choosing the weaker side and so on and son.. and the half an hour turned to an hour... and yea just he placed so many seeds of doubt in me that once I was done I was just running real low on faith.... but yes he expressed to me things about sadness about his neaighbour dying and how he would drink... and even how a friend of his was talkign about Christianity and attednign Bible study in the recent weeks which he attended only to argue and debunk what everyone believes... he asked really good questions mind you.. but I had no experience dealign with atheisits... he was very strong about his views... but before I had to go I was just wlaking assuming he would walk with me.. then he said you're just going to walk and not give me a hug.. I gave a hug... and then I don;t know what happened ... but we hugged again but this time he held me... like we hugged for a while and let go... and then we walked out seperate ways... and then he just said bye after that.. after I said I will see you next week.. and then he didn't even text or call me.. figures... but walking back to my car.. already running low on time.. I felt HORIRBLE... like I felt dirty... like I had displeased You.. and I honestly loved that feeling of being held and I honestly enjoyed that hug... even hugging I almost closed my eyes and forgot about all my worries... I wonder what he's thinking.. I mean if this is the end of it... I guess it's the blessing of good bye but I'm concerned with my own heart because it's almost like I'm thinking and fantasizing and replaying this all in my head and especially going to work where focus is ESSENTIAL was super difficult.. I need Your grace Lord... I need Your mercy.. and most of all Your forgiveness... I had been asking You for forgiveness all day it feels like because even when I talked to my mom wo was at the hospital after a hysterectomy .. she told me the bad news of a light fever and her having to maybe extend her stay in the hospital... I relaly do miss her... I told her what I told You and she comforted me... I felt better about it and even my co workers comforted me... and were rather excited for me... but I really don't know now that I'm totally getting attached to this guy... I don't know what to do.. especially since he is in my class... and that he knows I'm Christian... so I gotta behave and represent You... oh man... I just pray Your will to be done and for meto be blameless before You as always through Jesus which is made possible but also blamss before man and especially blameless before this particular guy or man... I even have these feelings of wanting to be held by him again and even to kiss him... and this is just one dude who asked me ... why am I likethis... his father is the devil so to speak since he is not a child of God... nor even desire to be... I prayed for him... but oh man.. it's all red flags here... I need to be delivered.. Iknow I put myself in this mess by being too friendly to him.. and leading him on.. even tough I did try my best not to even talk to him and stay aaway from him but he came closer to me ... oh which reminds me.. he even hinted and said that he goes out of his way to show that he cares about someone.. liek me.. well that was weeks back since he would walk to meet up with me even leaving all his smoking buddies and then to offer to even walk me.. and then even to some sit next to me wven though he was sitting a section away or a row away... I mean it seems like everyone in the class sees us together always... yikes.. but I wonder how the dynamics woudl change in the weeks to come.. especially since there is reading week.. thanks GOD!!! phew... i wouldn't know what to do otherwise.. but good experience I guess.. I have never relaly hugged a guy like that.. I mean I felt chills down my spine.. it was almost too intimate.. and things were relaly heating up... but that could just be my side ... he even talked about havign a wife and children in the begginning so ... I guess he was at least half- decent in his intentions... only YOu know.. but I almost felt hindered by him.. reminded me of my exes.. why am I always attraced to ungodly men... well.. I am attracted tot eh godly men.... except not too much physically.. and to be honest.. sometimes their personality is meh or even the chemistry is not there... or we're just forcign it... or yea.. just weird... when this was quite easy and comfrotable almost.. I also learned that I need to brush up on what I beleive and more so how to clearly express it... even the passion factor isn't there .. .. I know I know.. its' fleshly and won't last.. but yea... anywho.. I did feel gulty abotu brining on the stress yesteday with mom and my sister and even telling her even though it was overhleming.. and I am still stuck on teh whle toungues thing.. I mean is it demonic/?? Is the whole charismati and prophetic thing weird... I mean why is everyone gettng divorced? It seems like a weird time to live... yesterday was an earthquake which I felt and then they said a local neighbourhood high achool was diliberately burned down by someone ... and then people get shot.. and then explosives found near the g20 summit site... I mean it's crazy... even the whole deception thing.. even decevign my own heartt with this guy thing.. ahhh it's like i lost You... I don't feel as close to You anymore.. even withing a span of a day... I don;t feel Your presence.. as strongly as beofre.. and if I do.. I'm now like okay is this demonic... it's hard Lord... do help me out.. do have mercy on me... I know he is a fool not to believe in You... oh mannnn why do I always fall for the fool... I do the very thing I hate.. adnd even spending alone time with him.. was something I was SO against.. but being extreme and uncomprimising is so hard no awadays and so easy to fall into... I take pesonal responsibilitty Lord.. I need HELP!!! I pray in Jesus Name, amen.

I repent! Frogive me !!

I come to God in Jesus Name.. Forgive me.. I have done an unholy thing yet again.. I feel as if I was ombarded with it today.. whether it was my co -worker feeding that into me or whether she was flipping through images taht are ungodt by accident ... Lord Jesus thank you for taking her away ... I see why now... God.. I am so ashamed.. and I ask You for Your forgivenes and Holy Spirit forgiveness.. I can't take it back and I didn't think ti through... I really didn't... and I pray that You will pardon me andwill cover me with the blood of Jesus Christ... I don't know why.. was it them.. I know tiwas a personal decision.. i felt pressure .. and i guess I was impatitent.. God.. I was needy adn desperate adn I ddn't trust You.. I had no control... I lost intimacy woith You it was just flesh , flesh adn more flesh.. and now all unseen circumstances I pray Thee have mercy on me.. I want to know why I'm like this... acceptance.. adn then in my house I feel the pornea or sexual immorality spirit more than You... serioiusy.. and I also feel weird around my dad... like SUPER werid if You know what I mean... AGHHHH !! Pleasse free me from this and myself... I need You.. I think the pressure, eating and all of that needed a release.. but I know it was the wrong kind.. forgive me for my sin God I pray in Jesus Name, amen... and ughh I dodn't want to disquaitfy mustl which is why I do NOT like to take leadership positions anywhere.. especially Chrisitan ones.. Lord help me..

Article Info....

One of his must-haves is physical attraction. "There used to be, in one of the formulas used at weddings, a wonderful sentence that was said by each spouse in turn: 'With my body, I thee worship.' If you feel no physical attraction to him, don't marry him!"

He urges women to ask: "Has your love grown since you became serious about one another?" "Do you see in this person the qualities you want in your children?" "Do you love each other with equal intensity and are you sure your love is not one-sided?"

If your boyfriend has cold feet, "Never put yourself in the position of trying to persuade him to marry you. No good can come of that," he writes. "It's important to pay attention to those actions that convey a lack of commitment on his part."

Also, think twice about the "fun or quirky proposals," like eloping to Vegas "on a whim." Father Pat urges women to "think about it. The decision to get married will affect your entire life. Do you really want to enter into something so casually?"

What is this???

I come to my Heabenly Father God Almighty in Jesus Name and I cover each word I speak, my family and I our house, our neighbourhood, every neighbour and electronic device with the blood of Jesus Christ and I command all unclean spirit to leave now in Jesus Name for the blood of Jesus is against You. Amen. Ohhh my gosh! God I can't sleep until I tell You. No one else... everyone is soo quiet my mom and sis... thye're not saying anything.. I jsut come to You and You know that even though I painted my night as bad.. t really wasn't that bad.. it's just I was dissapointed,k angry, confused, hopeful, dleighted, ansxious pissed off all at one time!! I don't even know if it\s the sugar cookies which I regret eating.. but I'm sure tonight was also emotional eating but not sure why... I still felt the same kind of disgust with this one person... I reallly don't think he deserves that at all.. but oh man I'm so angry at hum.. I guess for not really asking em out and treating it as if whatever.. like all the other dude... I don't know why I'm judging him and letting the HOT river get away with it.. I guess for some reason he layed off... and oh man like I don't even know if its' regret or WHAT it is because I am just BLAZING through this keyboard typeing SUPER fast and I cna't evenn graaspp everything except the fact htat apart from teh river I don't see anyone in my life right now... and I feel like.... okay in one end I guess I'm desperate?? not sure... like one end thank God I hae feelings towards someone but they seem so far out of freach and I wonder if these feeligns are artificial and then I look on their profile and lo and behold girls girls girls... GIRLS GIRLS and more GIRls.. and they are Christian smart and HOTTEr than ever... and may come with their own set of problems but I miss their attetion... and even if this forest gave me attention and not anymore I miss it... I misss the cradle's attention ... now I feel like I've got none... and ughhh I feel my beauty is wasted/?? I don't KNOW how I feel.. except I have work tomorrow and I didn't really have the best night tonight surrounded by OLDIES... sigh and I ate too much and I've got a 35% midterm... that I need help for,.. when is it ever that I go tot an event and not even expend much energy and get SOO bummed and dissapointed when I come home loosign the initmacy and feeeling 10000 times worse not better... I mean thank You that the forest closed the door and made things easier for me phew! I want my dream guy... not I'm having a nightmare please wake me up.. ughhh why do I feel this lust?? sinful beahviour towards one person ... or NONe at all.. why do I feel so lonely.. why do I feel like I've lost intimacy with You the perefect one... Yes God I need Your peace... I surrent to You... God I'm having such troble in the relationships department.. esp ially guys and I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo thankfl for the rvelation of chilling versus datigng and I wish I knew then what I know now through Yor revelation.. it hurts... and also the change and waiting is hard... break throgh.. no more words to say.. read my heart and thoughts... my love nad my God... ( Ps Lord I thank You for "rover" whom You have placed in my life.. I pray that you will give hm a desier for me and anf a desire for me as You draw him closer to You. He may be going througha storm You sent so that He may seek You and God I pray that I will have a place in his heart that no other maiden can quench. In Jesus Name I ask You in all faith. And if You have somone better for me.. please let them step into my life so that the river will be jealous and so will my future husband of the river as well fighting for em.. but in the end the one You choose.. God I want some adventure with You... I want to stay pure in Your sense of the word pure not just physicaly... hep me.. I need encouragement.. I need something to hold on to.. a vision of Your promise... please give it to me... I fell so alone.. Jesus I need You to break through right now JESUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS You know You'll always be my love.. perfect and HOT !! holy and beautoful! You are perfect You kow that I love You... In Jesus Name I ask and pray, Amen.

Sausages

I come to God in Jesus Name and I cover every word with the blood of Jesus Christ amen. Oh man I vowed never to eat another sausage but when I got home from work I chewed down at least five to seven of them with white rice which I vowed never to eat again..... why? Sure I was hungy and wanted sht fast but I thin kthis was emotional eating... because just before I left work I felt super guilty... like I don't now how to handle the situation of telling my workplace that I dropped some courses so I'm available in their eyes to put me to work but I want a summer and I don't want to burn out... and I dont want to see my friend hurt and everyone yell at me for deeption... but my mo says they shouldn't haev any business knwing either and I don't want to work extra hours anaywa but sice we're short staffed it's taking away from my friend's summer... and not tthat she would do the same for me.. but God I want to do what's right in Your eyes... I don't want to shame me or birng a bad rep because I'm representing You.. and I think that stress hit me hard and hence the white rice and SEVEN sausages late at night.... sigh.. help me find a soution I need Your wisdsom and guidance. Thank You. In Jesus Name I ask and pray, amen...Forgive me for gluttony, idolatry and all that Lord.. I should have come to You first before eating anything....

Jesus is Above My Self Deception

Wow.. God blew me away in an amazing way that is!!! I have to worship Him because He is soo gooddd!! He always is and He heard my prayer. and jsut now even though I was talking on the pehone with a spiritual sister.. i kept blaming the i-phone for my mistakes which is not even a true cause... it was a lie... even such a lie... that I didn't even correct... and it crept in and actually ruined the communication... but yes I cover all these words iwth the blood of Jesus and I come only in the Name of Jesus. But yea I asked You for forgiveness of it but eve small things I let go under my radar so easily... sin.. but yes You forgive me... I know.. because even if I fail You still love me... because I know yesterday You gave me such PEACE and such FAVOR and such INTELEECT to do what I need to do on the test.. for instance on my test I got an essay question that I did study on.... and even before class someone approached me to befriend... and I met people form previous instances and we talked... and what I listenend to God as He answered about law from two going to be lawyers in teh same day.. now that's God... and then God continued to work marvelously by giving me favor with strangers.. who came and talked to me... about the test about directions etc and then from friends I knew from before we entered into a discussion about God and Jesus and this is how I received hte ine.. Jesus is above my self deception... and I told them this energy is is the Holy Spirit... and the eloquence in explainng things was certainly Godwho answered so swiftly... it was You... and I told them it is You lol Id like to be more straightforward... and truthful and bold in witnessing... may the people I wittness to ... may their blindless be removed in Jesus Name... may they hear and understand... in Jesus Name I ask amen. And yea this guy is a yougn to be sciency kid engineer ish and mt friend she sadi that she has never heard him talk abotu God... we agreed about not worshipping Mary but he had more questions for me some I couldn't answer lol God help me in Jesus Name to have the answers for him. In Jesus Name I ask amen.

BROKEN

The words will just flow and will be under the blood of Jesus Christ. Oh man I have just a few minutes before going to school and I have to go to school soon because that's the only way I can ge ta ride there since my wom starts work a little after that and so yes I'm grateful for the ride but I feel as if I'm depending on her and my sister for rides even though I have my G now isn't that messed up? And what's more messed up is that I haev a midterm today that I didn't do my best in stdying for.. in fact I totally FOLDED under the pressure and the ongoing drama with my mom and dad are not helping.. studying in the house forget it! I already work in a library so forget studying in libraries.. no can do... I mean... where can I study.. nature? what abotu UV rays and cafe no way creepers talk and stalk and again even finding some time to pray is SOO hard... people barge in .. forget what I told them tw minute ago.. no knocking.. can hear ppl going to the washroom it's digusting and I recently learned that musci although I want to shut things out.. really don't help me in focussing ... one would foget everything they learned really.. no remembrance or long term memory with that one.. and I am just in TEARs... eveythign.. I can't even move out because I don't have the finances... I haev been deeply groomer for failure and medocracy and furthermore.. my dad has been FEASTING on the spirit of pornea that entered all our lives in the house and even entered my room last night couldn't selpp people comign in since I'm sharing a room with sis I couldn't sleep at all... but by the grace of God somehow... and because I was exhauseted .... I eman waht do I do.. walk to school early in teh morning... and oh yea dad or mom are leaving before the two weeks and God know how much porne aspirit he and she too both let out in different forms with her "moives" every night two or more movies... it's MISERABLe.. it's SAD... and I feel like I'm carrying this family.. no unity no love, no respect.. all weaklings.. and now my opportunities I'm blowing... my job and evethign.. I don't LIKE the way my life is now.. because I know it can be more.. and I feel I have a tremendous responsibility... how do I rise up... what do I do.. I hate being dependent on man or myself.. because can't trust neither... I don't even know God's Word.. or what He means... I need answers... I'm SOOOO Sad... because all my life I've been plagued... and I'm 21 now.. not 15 or anything.. 21 and I'm still in need of being set free for good... I need to be taken aaway from the place but how can I ... sure I love them... but this is killing me.... I ave soo many regrets and so much shame even with the pornea spirit... I hate it!!! I hate mediocracy and I HATE exceuse.. I HATE lies and I HATEE immorality especially sexual immorality! I hate it!!!! I ABSOLUTELY HATE it! I want to be the 2 percent that Dani talkes about but every day I feel like a failiure and not successful.... I don't know where the time is gone and I find it extremely hard to focus.. even on my God.. everyone else get what they want... I just FOLD under the pressure... UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could justtt SCREAM outtttt... silently of course.... there is so much anger in me...... will I ever be saved..... oh mannn Lord... this SUCKS... no matter what I do.. I feel like I'm doign it wrong.. eveyrone thinks I'm rude and or sweet which is not the greatest compliemtn because any girl on the street can be sweet... people walk on me and abuse me... LITERALLY... what do I do??? Change me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pleaseee I beg You I can't do this anymore... it's so hard to live.... my mom and dad are so gone... thank God what You're doing in my sister's life... God I don't have time lefttttt.... I've wasted my time.. what in the world do I do??????? I'm still lost.. save me... out of this miry pit.... UGHHHH I hate this world sometimes and I hate the peopel... but someitmes I love the people too... even though they don't love me... and sometimes I hate me... I stepped down from what You hgave me and lost that momentum and now it's hard to get itback... everyone is given up including me... how do I rise up and not loose my HAIR???? What do I do??? I can't live like this... I HATEEE mediocracy with a passion.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH my mind is going cracy Lord... I have So much in me.. I can only cry and keep psilent because no one understands except You and sure the boy that keeps texting me may be nice but... I don't know I don't want ot be no chick that has issues getting duped by some guy that came along... that foudn me easy?? Ugh... my attittude sucks... help me Lord... Why do I get the worst in life.. I know it's me... how do I change.. my attitude took a turn for the worst... seriously... I'm DYING inside... help me!!! LORD I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDdd an intervention!! NOWWW! I need You NOW!!!!! Enough days crying on the day of exams ENOUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOw do I balance everythig.. how do I make momney so I am independent of others and only dependent of You..... UGHHH I want a tall nice nose godly handsome pure heart man who si smarrt and skilled and can financially provide forhte family... I would hate to be dissapointed...... I feel ike I am everyday.... disspointed with almost everything except You... hear my desperate cry from Heaven Lord, I come in JESUS name... help me JESUSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! I can't live anymore like this!!!!!!!!!!! Help me!!!!!!!!!!! I'm DESPERATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in a house full of eveil spirits that everyone lets in all the time maybe includign me accidentaly??? Help me... WHO ARE Youuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!?????? I need to know You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I ONLY WANT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!JESUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What am I to do here!?????????????? Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE ME from myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! save me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so much regret.... what is theis abidant life You talk of???? Have I ever experienced it??? What is this joy and this peace Youtalk of?? What is it??? I 'm sick of hearing about it although I like it I need You!!!!!!!!!!! My heart is NOT at rest!!! It's broken....................... I ened You.... I wnat to KILL the ENEMY in Your Name!!!! I want to FREEZE Helll.......... I want to SHUT the demons mouth.. I WANT TO see them run in fear.... I want to adavnce Your kingdom in a way NO oNE has ever done before... I want to bring GLORY to YOU alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want Your FAME to be known thorugh all the ages!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I want to cry out to You !!! I want the world to come to You!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus I want to make an eternal difference in this world I'm ere on..... while I'm here... HELP ME JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to DESTROY the evil spirits in JEsus Name... the ones that have taken away from my life.. I WANT TO KILL them in Jesus Name ... and turn around to help others in Jesus Name... I want the rest of my days on earth to OUTDO the years that the locusts and the spirit of fear and resoning have done awya with me... God I Neeed an ENCOUNTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR with YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CRY OUT to YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS JESUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS JESUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CRY otu to You!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111 Jesusssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sick of feeel good.. I'm sick of false emotions... I'm SICK of it... I SICK and tired of beign sick and tire.d.. I'm sick of EMOTIONS that lead me astray...I'm suck of WORRRYYY I HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WORRY!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sickkk of this Exchema... on my body I 'm si ck of my hair fallign out... I'm sick of it..... I'm sick of trying to be good enough for the white man... I'm sick of it..... I'm sick of this world system.... I hate it...... Most days I want to die sooner so I can can bei with You and other days I want You to come sooner so this will all be dealt with.... and the rest of the days I drfit through.... I HATE SINN and I REALLY want the MOST IMTIMATE RELATIONSHIP with YOu... ENOUGH... ENOUGH surface Christianity... or feel godo Christianity... I want YOU ... I WAnt a realtionship with You !!!! I WANT YOUUUUUU JESUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want YOU forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111