Let's just say I have done more this day in the past few minutes than I have the entire day today. I mean I was an emotional and spiritual wreck. The very things I hate to do, hate other people do, the things I said I'll never go back to doing, I did today. Why? Because I was so consumed with wanting to know about what my dream is that I was demanding things left and right from God. I was home alone most of the time and I was just driving myself crazy. I have work in a ew moments and I have not gotten any studying done whatsoever. Sometimes I think I like to procrastinate and other times and I agree with my sister when she says that she sees a similar pattern occurring in my life. For instance, everytime I am nearing exam time, I am either losing my mind, my hair, and my peace and joy. I never get any work done and I am just exhausted at the end of the day. It was really bad today. I was crying, I was depressed, and boy was I confused and frustrated.
After I listened to my sister as she discerned exactly what I was going through, I was mad at her, but it was the truth. Here I was trying to sell her what I thought was my vision for my life on the dry erase board whicle she was saying that my heart was not open to hearing from God. She was right and as I listened to Joyce Meyer's sermon after a long time, I realized what a fool I have been today. I succumed to the lies of the enemy in my mind, which lead to unnecesary reasoning which really dealt with a trust issue I had with God that needed to be dealt with immedietely. I was so down in the dumps today it was crazy! But, as the trust about me was revielved and I humbled myself before God and asked for His forgiveness, His Spirit burst in me. Although I had grieved the Spirit earlier through many bad habits, the joy was overflowing. I had peace. And furthermore, I actually heard the whisper of God speaking to my heart after the longest time. He told me that my sins are forgiven and to pick up my mat and walk and to walk in peace. He added saying tha tI should walk as if I did not go through what I went through today. That the past few hours should be forgotten and that I should press on forward. It is interesting tha teven before all this happened, God was with me and talked to me through other ways. For instance, in the middle of the day, a friend sent me a text encouragign me to read a verse in the Psalms that talked about calling to God in Truth, since He does listen to prayer. I wanted to have it all figured out, and I've learned that it's okay to ask God why once in a while, but I've learned not to let that consume me and for that to create a rift between God and I. I've learned to trust Him.
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