Dear God in Heaven, I come to You in Jesus Name, forgive me of my sins.. I have sinned greatly.. and I have offended you mightily... cleanse and wash me in the blood of Jesus Christ as I approach You In Jesus Name, amen. I'm listening to Starfield somethign to say and I was wondering why I was listening to them because I didn't reall feel like their lyrics were a reality in my life but it's closer to my life right now even though all else may seem calm outside things are surfacing in me that are shameful... last night was amazing.. for others You did an AWESOME thing like my sister which I thank You for... I know that You will use her mightily... bigger than ever.. I must confess I was jealous for some reason, but because I loved her that went away.. I wrote to You last night after a long time... and after the fact You were also doing an AWESOME work in me... I testified of Your goodness that night .. but You are always good... you brought in people to me at the diner table last night people who also You called to be a lawyer.. and others who talked to me about the prophet who had to marry the prostitute... then another individual talked me about love towards You that would motivate me to want to do what is right... no matter how I feel about it.. I must confess and be honest with you... I don't think I really truly had a relationship with You.. not sure if that has to do with my own relaitonship with my father here on erath or my own wicked ways.. but then I was thinking huh... what if the guy in question think of me like that.. I mean he probably deserved someone better than me to be real honest... and yet I have thing repulsion against him that I seem to not even want to get past.. I'm struggling with it.. It's strange because when I first met him I was quite neutral and there was nothing in him I didn't like and when I took a closer look at him I guess I saw the face was kind of weird with lines pimples etc and then I saw his shirt off and just the stuff on the face... I've seen the clear skin and I've gone out in the flesh in my own flesh pursuing the so called super hot men of teh world and getting not much progress and there is never peace with that... and my sister said there was something she felt when she saw us all together... then what I felt instead of being thanksful aside from being angry at her for leading me on with judgemental thoughts about his looks which we laughed about.. I was angry at myself and even at You ( forgive me I'm just trying to be honest... I want You) for not getting that ideal or better individual.. or at least someone I think is real cute and I feel honoured to be asked out on or all that stuff... I felt I really crushed the man yesterday... then the other individual takling to me about rewards after Heavean.. and I think you know that was so convicting like I told You last time and in eternity this man in question is probably going to be a king because he actually seems to have a reationship with you... while the man I \m trying to chase is ...You only know.. well it does seem that he is slipping away.. and this morning when I woke up.. I didn't want to wake up.. I am completely selfish I can't stand it but when I am not selfish I always get HURT likek even the creepy calls that I am so uncomfortable with.. which I started according to my sis and even meeting with those two boys in the future was cancelled nevr once did I think for praying for their sould and acting out in the love of Jesus ... the compassion for their souls.. I shoudl eb good at that stuff since I'm a pearl perosnality but no.. I'm worse than I thought.. not self condemnation .. just an observation... now that I have time... and I'm realy confused... oh and by the way thanks for the happy birthday that everyone pranked the restaurant on... it still made me feel special.. and yesterday I found that I was greving the hooy spirit and it hasn't been pictures or anything but when I moved in my own flesh ... yesterday the individual said that I'm either posessed by teh Holy Spirit or an evel spirit and yesterday I was defientely not allowing the HOly Spirit.. I was leting in all sorts of evil spirits... and I greieved You .. for tha I am sorry.. what do You want me to do... tell me.. show me. give me the love You speak of to give to others... I have not much time left... how do I live a holy life... I'm almost having a crisi of faith.. beng greatly convicted God.. it's painful... and I don't want to be weak.. what am I to do.. so yes also this morning my mom came to me in the morning and ( I just thought.. can I ever watch movies? because every time I do.. if I'm with him.. and he's not the way I am attracted to... and I know rightfully he may see waaaayy hotter girls than me on the big screen but I don't know how he will take it but for me... I won't be able to kiss him that night and I will feel trapped in the relationship no matter how much a pize he is.. not sure if I could please him.. nor if he could please me... I am sorry I have all this unbelief and distrust.. and I just hear in the song that what was black and white is grey.. but I do believe You and trust You... I just thought I had a great relaitonsip with You or GREAT faith in You but I'm wrong and I need help in this area...and also when I see amazing testimonies of those who are writing Christian novel adn having a SUPER SUPER I mean SUPER hot GODLY men as their husband I do get jealous and covet that... and wonder when if I will be a writer like that..am I being swayed by everything Is see or am I relaly supressing the gift You gave me that I'm doing nothing with when everyone aroudn me is writing books...what do I wite about... how do I seek You and write a book about seek Him if I don't know how to to seek You myself.. or sometimes looking back didn't have the will to seek You.. and I even wander.. well I know why he didn't text or call me afterwards like he usually does and I have to work with them... what about misnistry.. and doing anything ... everything.. even prayer I think write now what I'm writing is completely selfish because I dove irght into my life.. when I shoudl be wroshiping and reveing You and You holiness... You are Almighty God.. what am I doing talking about me... UGH! Forgive me Lord! I take the forgiveness You give me... I DON"T RELALY KNOW You!! Help me know YoU!! l.. I feel everyone is moivng fowrads except me.. ) so yes mom came in and told me that the papers for the divorce went through and she was relaly happy and she was praising You and I said that afterwards.... but the frist thing that came to mind was.. oh no.. I'm free... can You beleive that.. I know You heard that.. than God I'm free... then I was scared ... I mean now going out with this indivdual which looked ( after yeteay I dont knwo anymore) veyr very promising and I don't want to regret it like I did with Tim because what if they both went on to be great and I hear I was all alone... with no one comign to me because I'm not as hot as I used to be anyway in my opinion but muuuuuuch better and hotterr in other areas though.. thanks to You.. I don't knwo who I am.. am I Ishanie or Sarah.. a I tobe with Chris who may suceed wildly later.. and isn't that just like a gold digger mentallity instead loving them for whho they are... since looks don't last... oh man... why am I thinking this way... well I'm also thinking about my kids I guess... and sure he's sudu but not clear skin and not tall and no sharp features which I imagined to tell You the truth... I mean did I come to the wrong school.. should I have statye din York and should I have gone out with you know who the other hot guy who now won't even talk to me... I mean I felt bad for leavign this dude of question at the plaza but I don't know I had to study too you know... and when he touched me sexually I felt soooo weird... like turned off because his hands are small.. gentle sure... but I felt like he was just a kid.. and I'm crying Lord... this hurts... and I don't want to talke to these older ceo creepers ... maybe I'm wrong but I rallly don't want to talk to them.. plese take them away... sis says I'm too nice but when I go cold it all comes back to me... I don't dont that I will come to heaven.. but I wonder if I'll be a begger there... I mean... in a lowly state foever.. I mean how does that work... what about my daily sins known and unknown and what aboutholines and what am i dong for You... I dodn't even win a soul to You... if anything I turned them away from You... sigh... now I'm relly free to date .. or very soon to be.. Thank You for answering our prayers.. Your character is faithfulness...but yes I know that Joyce Myer isn't my business but she got at least a tall man who works out... and I know this dude in question is not fat but is quite pale and the body is not really porportionate.. I don't knwo I am totally not attracted to any part of him maybe except his blue eyes are the most heartfelt that I've seen... but do my passions and feelign not matter.. I mean if he thinks a certain way about me and I'm not.. what do I do... he ma even grow up to be tall.. at least soemthign that's attractng... and this guy seems to have character.. but ugh... why do i not value that...!!!! ??? but right now he's not.. and I don't want to marry for change in the future that's not even guaranteed.. why do I not want.. I mean was I even staying pure like You aksed us to.. and will I regret this decision if I walk away from it.. I need answers God... if I have to die to me to follow Yourself.. I'm pretty sure that's probably a good thing... but yea.. I mean.. other people having hot guys and me just living a life of always settling.. or giving in .. this prie is killing me.. butI don't want to be known as a woman who had pity on this man.. even though the truth is the guy in quesiton probably thinks I'm a total jerk and wants nothign to do with me and resented the fact I'm with him.. and maybe I'm overthinking everything.. I mean when he showed me a picture of Elvis Presley road I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO touched... like here is actually a guy who supports me and remmebers... and CARES... someone who actually cares... and even with Dani though the guy at least had an eght pack... and great features... and I want otehrs to say wow my husband is HOT God surely blessed her.. not in a way that oh how did she get her.. but where was I when he was single kind of thing athte other womens' end.. and what about this career thing.. or calling.. oh man.. even humbled gotta humbel myself in this area... ot caring abotu the world and what they think... AYE AYE AYE... I want a HOT husabnd and GOD ly too but HOT!! And yes others have this amazing vision.. about buildign school.s.. gogn to Mexico for You.. and I got ZILCH.. well not zilch just the lawyer thing which I'm saying whatttt huh.. I compare.. adn I like people.. even love people bt then at other times I dilie htem or hate them and don't want anything to do with them... relationships are hard work adn I don't have the energy God.. help me.. how come the hot guys don't come talk to me like they do my sis.. and not all hot guys are jerks... can't be... nor coudl they be ungodt.. sicne there are defientely ugly guys from this world's standards that are godless...ugh and I wodner why I have to be stuck with an ugly ungodly man.. even ugly people agree they don't want ugly.. and then I commit adultary and then in a worse mess... but I agree even though hottest guy whatever... can also lead me to adultary.. but I'm talking baout the hot godly men that i KNOWWWW are out there and were to in the past like Joseph .. and sometimes I dont' know what I want.. because even with the last scenario of regret I thought I didn't want him and ended up wanting him because I couldn't have him.. and what about .. I just realized I cna't discuss these thinsg with anyone but You.. so yea.. and what about what Dai said.. going out with the person that's right htere with me.... and people I want end up not watning me.. and I don't desire him though.. the digustion is growing even though really see nothing wrong with him.. ugh.. never did I lie going to his profiel page... I guess I do tkae on profile appreaarences like the survey asked... ugh... so frustrated.. even forgot what I was going to write.. so yes sis says he's not wimpy.. okay.. so ugh I knew that.. did I ruin everything yesteday... then again someone said.. everything will work out... yesterday I got answers from all thre guys.. and I like guys... yesterday I wanted to do away with them altogether... but I like attention from guys.. I like flirtying with guys adn getting their attention.. the good ones I mean.. ugh oh man.. Help me Lord!
This is Your creation
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