Confession before the King

Dear Heavenly Father, I come to You in Jesus Name.... irrespective of any who sees this ( thank you for the first follower of my blog... I had no idea anyone would even condier following this blog... praise God.. it really blessed me... had a rough day... anywho.. let em continue... I must come to You and be honest... this is honestly how I love to communicate with You and really write out what I feel... I haven;t written to You via this blog because I have actually been writing to You in my journal and You have answered in ways that I find difficult to capture with mere words. I will get straight to it... today morning I saw parts of the Florida Lakeland Revival on Youtube and I was thrilled! Then I found out that the whole thing was a scam and actually quite demonic! I was so dissapointed inside of me. What I thought was uplifting and from You was not. It's funny I was writing to You the other day and askign You to bring up any unconfessed sin that has offended You and sure enough You did... sometimes I am guilty of the whole charismatic and emotional thing and what I think is godly is actualy demonic. Forgive me Lord. Now I know that even what I think is good and even anyone who pops up confessing that they know You and even if they are doing healings I really have to test them and come out of that simple or naive mentally and be prudent. I had a tutorial so I quickly got ready and headed off the class. I knew I was going to see a certain boy there, older than me by a year who was in my class. Just yesterday I felt that he was havign difficulty hiding how he felt about me. This was confirmed later. I even spoke to You about this and I even said I hope he doesn't ask me out... I went to class and he was there just starring at me and then we sat together again.... I continued with the topic that we had begun yesterday and he suggested that we meet after class for half an hour to discuss it... I was reluctatnt and I said I have to get ready for work and have a shower and he said that I already look nice... first hint.. then I felt him starring at me and what I wrote... every time I write glory to God on the my notes he reads it... and then even as the TA came he was still trying to talk to me... it was established that we were going to meet... I was freaking out inside! This guys was an avid smoker... sure he wanted to be lawyer and he wasn't dumb or bad looking, he was not tall but the exact same height as me... but he wasn't afraid to talk... but yes class resumed but before then I was just getting to tell him about what I beelive the highest good is since we were studyign Plato and the allegory of the caves the form of forms... the highest form... and I asked him.. do you really want to know,... and with all seriosness he looked into my eyes and said yes... like he really wanted to know what my identity is... but yes after tutorial finished he and I were talking and walking and on the way we met a couple of my firends.. especially a close friend who is also not a believer... we hugged and then I guess he coveted that and you will see later why... I was actally surprised at how calm I was... not sure.. I mean I did pray secretly since I had no space time or anything to pray out loud or even write lest he see that I am praying about us... anywho we go outside and we start talking and even while talking he lookes at me and takes a piece of something out of my hair... already I was touched... I knew this was a date in disguise... and not just some converstaion... and when I was about to tell him what love is to me... I said he would think I'm crazy or laugh at me... but he got all serious again and assured me that he wont... which I liked when someone took me seriosuly.. as soon as I mentioned JESUS he put his head back and almost laughed and sighed with dissapointment... I too was dissapointed to fidn out that he did not beleive in God at all! ... But yes throughout hte time he touched me on my back and arm ... even I had the urge to touch his arm... but I didn't... we were talking and even arguing at times... and he would reveal a lot about himself such as being extra senstitive... his dad and not havign the greatest dad... that he was Scottisha and drinking and being mean to his mom but now taking care of her... but I also gave him something about me.. which I was surprised about such as my earlier drinking habits or rahter dangerous levels of drinking... but I did say how God brought me through that to the pint where I have no desire to even drink anymore because He satisfied me.. we both agreed on all is vanity but diagreed on the solutions or apporaches to life... and even in the middle of the conversation he went to a guy that was there and asked for a cigarrette... and he said.. stay... don't go.. and even hearing those words.. made me feel wanted and I ate it up so to speak.. but yes I felt convicted later for not guarding my heart you will see why because I delved in almost accidentaly for the purpose of makign a point into sex and love... it turned me off that he considered making love as just bs and just thinks it's sex without intimacy... like what animals do... anywho... even when he smoked he was so honest with me and said I didn't have money so this is the first cigarrette of the day... and he stood in front of me instead of beside me and came close to me as we openly said that we disagree with each other... and when I looked to him I strangely felt attracted to him... he even touche dmy back like I said after... and I felt something... liek a chill go down my spine almost.. then there was another brown girl that passed us by and he looked her way... and I was reminded of how I was looked at by him while he was speaking to another girl... but yes we continued.. and oh before I forget somehow we talkekd abotu em accidentally lying and he totally took that seriously ... he said do NOT lie to me.. ok? I said ok... otherwise I will be pissed... hmmm... and then... he dropped another hint I guess... he was talking about hte brain... and he said that he has a connector on the side of his brain just for the times he talked to me... meet me.. how he thinks about me... and then later he even said when we were talking about love that he said he just cares for people or doesn't ... he said I might like somebody but not care for them.. like he was saying I would like a girl .. and then changed his words and said I may not even like the girl but even though I text or call them doesn't mean I care abotu them... so almost to defend himself or even usuingthis as another way of saying how he may feel about me... but yes.. I was kind of just feeling like my energy was being sucked out.. I felt rotten... I felt guity.. and I felt weak.. liek the words he said abotu choosing the weaker side and so on and son.. and the half an hour turned to an hour... and yea just he placed so many seeds of doubt in me that once I was done I was just running real low on faith.... but yes he expressed to me things about sadness about his neaighbour dying and how he would drink... and even how a friend of his was talkign about Christianity and attednign Bible study in the recent weeks which he attended only to argue and debunk what everyone believes... he asked really good questions mind you.. but I had no experience dealign with atheisits... he was very strong about his views... but before I had to go I was just wlaking assuming he would walk with me.. then he said you're just going to walk and not give me a hug.. I gave a hug... and then I don;t know what happened ... but we hugged again but this time he held me... like we hugged for a while and let go... and then we walked out seperate ways... and then he just said bye after that.. after I said I will see you next week.. and then he didn't even text or call me.. figures... but walking back to my car.. already running low on time.. I felt HORIRBLE... like I felt dirty... like I had displeased You.. and I honestly loved that feeling of being held and I honestly enjoyed that hug... even hugging I almost closed my eyes and forgot about all my worries... I wonder what he's thinking.. I mean if this is the end of it... I guess it's the blessing of good bye but I'm concerned with my own heart because it's almost like I'm thinking and fantasizing and replaying this all in my head and especially going to work where focus is ESSENTIAL was super difficult.. I need Your grace Lord... I need Your mercy.. and most of all Your forgiveness... I had been asking You for forgiveness all day it feels like because even when I talked to my mom wo was at the hospital after a hysterectomy .. she told me the bad news of a light fever and her having to maybe extend her stay in the hospital... I relaly do miss her... I told her what I told You and she comforted me... I felt better about it and even my co workers comforted me... and were rather excited for me... but I really don't know now that I'm totally getting attached to this guy... I don't know what to do.. especially since he is in my class... and that he knows I'm Christian... so I gotta behave and represent You... oh man... I just pray Your will to be done and for meto be blameless before You as always through Jesus which is made possible but also blamss before man and especially blameless before this particular guy or man... I even have these feelings of wanting to be held by him again and even to kiss him... and this is just one dude who asked me ... why am I likethis... his father is the devil so to speak since he is not a child of God... nor even desire to be... I prayed for him... but oh man.. it's all red flags here... I need to be delivered.. Iknow I put myself in this mess by being too friendly to him.. and leading him on.. even tough I did try my best not to even talk to him and stay aaway from him but he came closer to me ... oh which reminds me.. he even hinted and said that he goes out of his way to show that he cares about someone.. liek me.. well that was weeks back since he would walk to meet up with me even leaving all his smoking buddies and then to offer to even walk me.. and then even to some sit next to me wven though he was sitting a section away or a row away... I mean it seems like everyone in the class sees us together always... yikes.. but I wonder how the dynamics woudl change in the weeks to come.. especially since there is reading week.. thanks GOD!!! phew... i wouldn't know what to do otherwise.. but good experience I guess.. I have never relaly hugged a guy like that.. I mean I felt chills down my spine.. it was almost too intimate.. and things were relaly heating up... but that could just be my side ... he even talked about havign a wife and children in the begginning so ... I guess he was at least half- decent in his intentions... only YOu know.. but I almost felt hindered by him.. reminded me of my exes.. why am I always attraced to ungodly men... well.. I am attracted tot eh godly men.... except not too much physically.. and to be honest.. sometimes their personality is meh or even the chemistry is not there... or we're just forcign it... or yea.. just weird... when this was quite easy and comfrotable almost.. I also learned that I need to brush up on what I beleive and more so how to clearly express it... even the passion factor isn't there .. .. I know I know.. its' fleshly and won't last.. but yea... anywho.. I did feel gulty abotu brining on the stress yesteday with mom and my sister and even telling her even though it was overhleming.. and I am still stuck on teh whle toungues thing.. I mean is it demonic/?? Is the whole charismati and prophetic thing weird... I mean why is everyone gettng divorced? It seems like a weird time to live... yesterday was an earthquake which I felt and then they said a local neighbourhood high achool was diliberately burned down by someone ... and then people get shot.. and then explosives found near the g20 summit site... I mean it's crazy... even the whole deception thing.. even decevign my own heartt with this guy thing.. ahhh it's like i lost You... I don't feel as close to You anymore.. even withing a span of a day... I don;t feel Your presence.. as strongly as beofre.. and if I do.. I'm now like okay is this demonic... it's hard Lord... do help me out.. do have mercy on me... I know he is a fool not to believe in You... oh mannnn why do I always fall for the fool... I do the very thing I hate.. adnd even spending alone time with him.. was something I was SO against.. but being extreme and uncomprimising is so hard no awadays and so easy to fall into... I take pesonal responsibilitty Lord.. I need HELP!!! I pray in Jesus Name, amen.