Your Face Lord I will Seek!

I come to the Alpha and the Omega in Jesus Name.

Looking back last night I could not believe who I was and what I had done. Don't worry, it's nothing too serious but to me it was such a traumatizing experience. To set things up a bit here it was Sunday and I only fed myself spiritually early in the morning by reading the Bible. I didn't pray nor really enter into the presence of God. One could say an inner turmoil was brewing. Certainly this inner turmoil bubbled over in my actions. I have come to believe now that the atheist's comments were spiritual attacks since I have been struggling with doubt whether consciously or unconsciously. A red flag probably would have been me spending hours on a site that provided dating advice on Youtube and I commented on videos praising the host whom I did not even know! This has also happened once early last year as well where I was almost worshiping others ( celebrities at the time) since I wasn't truly worshiping God in my heart. Funny enough I was really sick at that time like I am now. God must be trying to tell me something. This is such a humbling experience.

My heart was so deceptive and I in self-deception kept on going with this mindset when things turned ugly. I was so desperate for love and longing that I turned to God only to lash out at Him in anger for not providing me favor with eligible men or dates. I took matters into my own hands and went on Christian dating sites. Some were quite harmless at first but then I left feeling quite bruised in my soul. I had regrettably once gone on a social networking site and had weirdos and creepers all around. It's never a good idea. But this was a while back. But now as total strangers were talking to me I was naive enough to believe hey they may be saying that I'm beautiful just for me and they may really look like they do on the picture. I mean I was so blinded by my own thinking it was scary.

Before this whole incident which I won't give energy towards the details about were in the end a shocking and eye opening experience to reality. Most of the guys on there even though it was a Christian site were complete jerks and others overly flattering. I learned a lot about myself however some good and some bad. It turned out in particular conversation that will probably stay with me for life. I mean words are powerful even through interface. A male basically noticed how I was constantly flattering him. Even I was surprised. He couldn't get a word in and I didn't even know this guy but I was constantly sending praises to him like a god. It was disgusting and I had asked the Lord to forgive me as I do now in Jesus Name. In the end he basically told me what I needed to hear:".. I think you're flattering me". They smelled my desperation and it was the most unattractive thing I could do. Then I tried to be quick witted and try to save myself and say: ".. oh well it's a gift of exhortation only natural lol"... and then he saw right through me and said something to the likes of: "... If I need you to cut the grass or take out the garbage I will let you know. I know girls like you!" I was so shocked but now I am thinking this could be a blessing in disguise to hear the truth about how foolishly I was behaving.

I came to my sister's bedroom after this. I was distraught as I knew I had done the wrong thing and had grieved the Holy Spirit. I had wasted so much time when what I had planned to do ( among my school works and spending more time in His Word) was heed to the still small voice that reminded me of something. I was balling my eyes out and became suddenly and deeply sad, wallowing in self pity. God still spoke to me but I chose to ignore Him. He reminded me of what I told Him really, that every one of my regrets had been at a time where I wasn't close to Him and that every time I was close to Him, that I do not recall any regrets whatsoever since all else was undeserved and He has dealt with me bountifully and has been my Redeemer. My sister was also telling me how I love to go to the extreme with everything, taking things to a whole another level for ill or for worse. She told me it was a choice when I said I can't help it. Then she basically said that I should then turn this towards God and God alone. This extremity of praise, adoration, and worship. This is when I realized I had placed something else in God's place. And this is when I also realized that I want to worship God in this way: with all my heart, mind and soul. And I wouldn't get verbally abused but I would be safe in His arms and in His presence expressing my love to Him. That longing, that strong desperation, only He can fill and make me whole.I immediately took off my profile pictures from these websites and logged off for good.

This morning I was reading Psalms 23 which is a psalm of trust. He reminded me what this blog and the purpose of my life is through these scriptures and many others:

When You said, " See My face," my heart said to You,
" Your face, Lord, I will seek."

Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall
strengthen your heart; Wait, I say on the Lord!

I learned in the commentary in my study Bible NKJV that waiting on the Lord means: "... demonstrate confident expectation. The Hebrew word to wait can also be translated HOPE! To hope in God is to wait for His timing and His action". Wow if that wasn't divine guidance from the Lord into my situation I don't know what is! He even addressed y initial fear by the words in the psalm that state: " The Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear?" Then I went on as usual to read the Proverbs, book 14 to be exact and God in the mercy that is made new each and every morning spoke to me. I will cite a couple here:

The wise woman builds her house,but the foolish pulls it down with *her* hands
( Wow this tells me that I am number one was being foolish yesterday and that I brought down my own house or body with my OWN hands!)

Go from the presence of a foolish man, when you do not perceive in him lips
of knowledge.

There is a way that seems right a man, But its end is the way of death
( commentary states that Only when it's too late does the deluded person discover that he is one the crowded highway to death. The implication is not that he was tricked, but he relied too heavily on his own "wisdom" rather than turning to humility to God)

The backslider in his heart will be filled with his own ways, but a good man
will be satisfied from above

The simple believe every word, but the prudent considers well his steps... The simple inherit folly, but the prudent are crowned with knowledge
( Commentary: A characteristic of a naive person is gullibility. A prudent person is careful)

In the fear of the Lord there is "strong confidence" ( <--- wow that is definitely answering one of my burning questions regarding my low self esteem issue and what the solution is).

He is my confidence. And I love Him with all I am. I love You Lord! Hear me from Heaven and bless all those who read this. Reveal yourself to them as You have done to me. In Jesus Name I pray, amen.